Jordan is my favorite :)
- Neil Gaiman
I love how I get notifications from Drexel about every robbery at gunpoint…
Makes Philadelphia that much cooler :)
I am Jack’s prominent sense of ambiguity.
"You’re in my line of vision, and you’re so white!"
"What does space taste like? I bet it tastes like freedom."
"Punch you in the freakin throat and make you dead, I swear."
"White is the power race."
"But, I like pleasing you."
"I felt tongue but I didn’t feel wet."
"Sara Hambleton, you are the true meaning of Christmas."
"You know, if there was a life-sized Khaleesi doll in Days of Knights, I’d bang it right in the store."
"Dude, I can floss with my hair."
"I love that man. I think, other than Hitler, he may be the best German."
"You can suck on those nuts, Tom Brady!"
"I should’ve got her pregnant when I had the chance." - Kyle, on the Miss Delaware runner-up
"You know, if you squint your eyes, the heater looks like a cylon."
"I have the heart of a child and the dick of a god."
"Megan, do not touch me you cum slut."
"I can’t wait for Ozzie to die."
"Damn it guys! You know I have a thing for big black dicks… and two midgets shitting into a bucket."
"No ‘What the fuck!’, I’m allowed to hit you when you lick me! That’s a new rule!"
"We’re in New Jersey! Don’t make eye contact with people! What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Shut the fuck up, Kyle!" - Basically everyone, but the credit goes to Palmer
"Kyle, you are the dirty sanchez on the face of humanity." - Paige
"My kid is not a fag."
"I wish you got hit by a car in New York."
"Oh my God, I hate your face, Kyle."
"Kyle, you’re an emotionally draining experience."
"Reasons for dropping: Kyle Wofford."
"I guess I’ll be pooping corn tomorrow."
"See, if it was my right hand I could go all night."
"If you had children, I would rape them until they died. And set you on fire." - This one was a note left on my car windshield
"Your face… is a vagina."
"I’ve done four normal sized men in that booth."
"Do you ever wish people were blind?
So it’s just me then?”
"Would you please leave my vagina out of this?!!!" - Jordo
"By the way, how good is ‘Game of Thrones’?
- On a scale of one to ‘Sons of Anarchy’, it’s a nine.”
"Sandwiches don’t make themselves.
- That’s why you get a woman!”
"I know I’m fabulous but don’t touch me."
"He’s got on a pink vest. How gay is that?" - Dad
"They’re brainless beings who live off of emotions!" - Matthew, on women…
"I wouldn’t mind going down multiple times that day."
"Why is it wet over here?
- Sorry, Kyle. I have that effect on people. The women are usually more discreet.” - Kyle and Palmer
"Let’s get this… jerk off my heiney."
"What can I say? Tim Tebow just has the power of Christ on his arm."
"I played shuffleboard with the Amish Mafia last night. Aren’t you jealous?"
"But no, it’s just ‘Neal’. Like the verb."
"What are you guys doing here?
- Returning books.
You mean, like, reading books?
"I’m surprised you came?"
After ‘Prometheus’ I didn’t think you’d go to the movies again.
- I’m stoned right now!”
"I don’t wanna die! I have a scholarship!!!" - Stephany, while wasted…
"Ew, he’s chinese!" - Stephany, who is in fact racist…
"Came to get some learnin’."
"Don’t ‘woop’ my hand falling off! That’s the wrong thing to woop! You make sympathetic sounds." Neil Gaiman. You read that correctly…
"My balls are a little sweaty cause I haven’t taken a shower in a few days." - Kyle
"My nipples just got hard."
"Putting Matthew and Jake in the same room is like putting Rob Schneider next to Charlie Hunnam."
"I’m a put some bacon on my veggie burger!"
"What’s more American than slavery?"
"I like to keep my mojo moist."
"I like the Asians! I just lied, I’m sorry."
"Never eat pussy you ordered off a menu."
"Am I as ugly to you as you are to me? Your ugly smells!"
"For to keep chicken!" - Erin
Kyle has licked a lot of my things. Well, not recently…”
"It’s like a beard - an edible beard!"
"Erin is an integral part of my soul!"
"That’s not a roller coater, that’s a lawsuit coaster!"
[Silence after the “Red Wedding]
"This is the greatest show ever…
- THIS IS THE WORST SHOW EVER!!!”
"Steve Irwin probably deserved it." - Palmer
"I’m having a conversation with Kayla. You can’t double-tap her!"
"She denied your pickle. It’s a stop sign.” - Stephany
"We’re caught in a rad bromance."
"Murder is fun… sometimes."
"He’s a nin-com poop…"
"Matt likes boobies!"
"If he wasn’t my brother, I’d have killed him."
"What are you doing?
- I’M WINNING THE GAME, COACH!”
"I could be a chef! I could sell two things: Chili, and sex!"
"Jesus loves me. He hates retards."
"I felt bad for you for, like, five minutes! I can never get that time back."
"Aww, it’s your 21st birthday? That’s cute!"
- I can show you my dick- That’s cute!” - Kyle, the moment we realized he was drunk…
"He just met me and he wants to kill me!"
"What does a dirty girlscout taste like?"
"Yup, it’s true! I hate my life! My life does, in fact, suck! Aaagh, I love Jesus!" - Kyle, while throwing up a tumor during his 21st…
"Andrew, are there a lot of niggers at Drexel?" - Mom
"It’s too early for your shit…"
"You are a murderer of fun."
"It sucks the life out of you. It’s like a woman."
"Tell them you haven’t poopin since the accident."
"I like your D’s."
"You make dead babies in a blender."
"Why are boys so bad at drawing penises!" - Jordo
"There’s Chubs Mackenzie!" - Palmer, after drawing a massive dick on Kyle’s window…
"It takes work to twerk!"
"We had a Nikon medium-format scanner, but… don’t even get me started on Nikon!"
"I forgot what regular air smells like."
"Smack pelvis’s!" - Matthew
"Retards are the closest thing to humans, not chimps."
"All the guys are skinny and all the girls are chubby?" - Grandmom
"I’m thankful for Matthew and Kyle." - Mom during Thanksgiving. Matthew wasn’t even at the table for Thanksgiving. This is some fucked up shit, man…
"It started off funny but then it just got sad and disgusting."
"I couldn’t even afford gum cause it was, like, 79 cents." - Matthew. He was unemployed for 8 months…
"You can hook it up to your penis during sex." - Kyle
“He poos on girls!” - Kyle, talking about his brother…
“She’s going to die. It’s going to be great.” - Jordo, being a good friend…
"He is just a homosexual."
"I’m gonna murder your firstborn! I’m gonna murder him hard!" - Matthew